Hard to believe there are people out there who haven’t discovered coffee yet. For those of you who don’t mind being initiated into the world of coffee by me (which could be risky for your health and general well-being), read on!
How to become insanely active in a few minutes:
1) Gulp mugful of coffee.
2) Close your eyes.
3) Chant following mantra 11 times:
O caffeine!
In a coffee bean
Win o’er my woozy head
Promise! I’ll be addicted
For best results, hold up your mug and sing. Appeases the Caffeine Gods faster than you'd think (you could get imaginative and do a small jig too, but make sure not to get carried away and spill precious coffee all over the place. Angry roomies and offended Caffeine Gods are never good for you).
And there you go! So active that even your quintessential conference paper can’t deter your consciousness*, you may now don your best warrior hat/thinking cap and conquer the world!
Now comes the difficult part...
What to do when you can’t sleep at night anymore:
1) Curse your coffee mug for being so big.
2) Curse those megalomaniac mug makers.
3) Curse yourself for gulping that extra mugful.
4) Curse your roomie** for sleeping so peacefully.
5) Promise yourself you'll never repeat this foolish act. Ever.
And then... get ready for a long night of sleeplessness. Because nothing's gonna help, really. And yes, you're bound to face the consequences of your sinful indulgence anyway (because coffee hangover lasts long. Trust me, I'm a subject matter expert). So then, why think about tomorrow and make life more miserable? Okay, so you're all groggy and brain-dead the next morning... so what? All it takes to get your zing back is another bigggg mugful of coffee :)
*If you confuse consciousness with concentration and expect great things to happen, you're not a dummy. You're a dunce. Being marginally awake under such circumstances is a miracle in itself. Be thankful and do your part, you lazy shortcut seeker!
How to become insanely active in a few minutes:
1) Gulp mugful of coffee.
2) Close your eyes.
3) Chant following mantra 11 times:
O caffeine!
In a coffee bean
Win o’er my woozy head
Promise! I’ll be addicted
For best results, hold up your mug and sing. Appeases the Caffeine Gods faster than you'd think (you could get imaginative and do a small jig too, but make sure not to get carried away and spill precious coffee all over the place. Angry roomies and offended Caffeine Gods are never good for you).
And there you go! So active that even your quintessential conference paper can’t deter your consciousness*, you may now don your best warrior hat/thinking cap and conquer the world!
Now comes the difficult part...
What to do when you can’t sleep at night anymore:
1) Curse your coffee mug for being so big.
2) Curse those megalomaniac mug makers.
3) Curse yourself for gulping that extra mugful.
4) Curse your roomie** for sleeping so peacefully.
5) Promise yourself you'll never repeat this foolish act. Ever.
And then... get ready for a long night of sleeplessness. Because nothing's gonna help, really. And yes, you're bound to face the consequences of your sinful indulgence anyway (because coffee hangover lasts long. Trust me, I'm a subject matter expert). So then, why think about tomorrow and make life more miserable? Okay, so you're all groggy and brain-dead the next morning... so what? All it takes to get your zing back is another bigggg mugful of coffee :)
*If you confuse consciousness with concentration and expect great things to happen, you're not a dummy. You're a dunce. Being marginally awake under such circumstances is a miracle in itself. Be thankful and do your part, you lazy shortcut seeker!
**Just kidding, roomie dears :) On an entirely different subject that’s got nothing to do with this, you’re awesome cooks!
